Earlier this month we spent a whole weekend at a camp focused on the FIRE (Financial Independence Retire Early) movement. We were there with at least 60 others who wanted to talk about money and strategies to earn more, optimize, save, invest, etc. At the end of the day, the underpinning of these topics was how to use money as a tool to create an amazing life, however you may define that. We loved every minute.
I’ve come to realize though we are in the minority when it comes to how easy and natural it is for us to talk about money. In the general population, money conversations are avoided.
Why is that?
During camp, we facilitated a session broadly about money and relationships. As I prepared for the session I zoomed out to consider why money conversations are difficult. I was able to identify several reasons why talking about money makes people uncomfortable.
Since our session at camp was such a hit and we had such a great discussion, we’ll share what we learned through a multi-week series about money.
Today we’re identifying three reasons why talking about money is uncomfortable. You can read what I’ve learned from openly discussing money here, as well as my money experience growing up. Lastly we’ll share suggestions for how to talk with your partner about money.
Reasons Why It’s Uncomfortable to Talk About Money
Here are the elephants in the room when it comes to talking about money.
1. Talking About Money is Taboo
The biggest reason why it’s uncomfortable to talk about money is because doing so is a taboo, at least in American culture.
What is a taboo?
A prohibition imposed by social custom or as a protective measure
Merriam-Webster
Something that is not acceptable to say, mention, or do : something that is taboo
Basically a taboo is a social, cultural no-no. It’s unacceptable to talk openly about money, which makes the topic a “taboo.”
If talking about money with others is a no-no, there are consequences when taboos are violated. The consequence is those in the conversation grow uncomfortable; the conversation turns awkward. People withdraw from the conversation, or try to change the topic to avoid the awkwardness and discomfort because we aren’t supposed to talk about money!
Whether or not you truly believe talking about money is a no-no, it’s easy to understand how the notion of a taboo topic creates a self-fulfilling prophesy. Our culture tells us money talk is unacceptable, so we avoid talking about it to avoid social consequences, which further reinforces the notion that talking about money is unacceptable.
This leads to our next reason why talking about money is uncomfortable…
2: We Have Our Own Money Stories/Beliefs
We all tell ourselves stories and have strongly held beliefs about money, regardless if you realize it. From a young age we learn about money directly or indirectly. Our experiences with money continue to influence our stories and beliefs into adulthood. The stories and beliefs we have about money tell us what to do with it, how to use it, what it means to have money, etc.
You may be thinking: My family didn’t talk about money when I was growing up, so I don’t have any stories to tell myself about money.
But, could the story you’re telling yourself be “I don’t talk about money,” based on the lack of money conversations during your youth? Just think about it.
Some other examples of money stories and beliefs:
| Money Story/Belief | Potential Story/Belief Origination |
| My money can disappear overnight. | Seeing your family struggle financially due to a market downturn, or a family member being laid off and struggling to find work. |
| I’ll never have enough money. | Seeing your family struggle to make financial ends meet, despite working long hours and frugal living. |
| Money is a tool to help me live a good life. | A mentor teaching and talking openly to you about money, and encouraging curiosity and learning. |
| I should spend what I earn. YOLO! | Getting your first “adult” job and wanting to demonstrate you’re making good money through new cars, flashy clothes, vacations, etc. because you see others behaving in this manner. |
It’s uncomfortable to talk about money when we’re each telling ourselves different stories about it, and coming at the topic with very real but varied experiences.
Imagine growing up in a household where there was never enough money, and then trying to talk about it with someone who never had to worry about money.
Additionally, the general population perceives money as an indication of value, power, and importance. Meaning, people generally associate those who have money with increased power and importance compared to those with less money.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe money dictates someone’s value, power, or importance. But a lot of people do look at money in this manner. And oftentimes perception is reality.
The stories and beliefs we have about money make it uncomfortable to talk about money, especially when compounded with the existing taboo status.
3: Lack of Role Models to Talk to Us About Money
Lastly, it’s uncomfortable to talk about money because there aren’t a lot of role models out there to show us we can have successful conversations about money without discomfort.
Kudos to you if you grew up in a family where money conversations were normalized, and/or you found people to teach you money isn’t such a scary topic.
However, that wasn’t our experience growing up, and I know we aren’t alone. The research indicates only about one third of families talk to their children about money. It’s not surprising most parents cite fear as a barrier to talking about money, especially considering the taboo status and the stories/beliefs we have about money.
Without people in our lives to teach us about money and how to have conversations, we learn through trial and error. While this is the norm for most, the results can be hit or miss.
Best case scenario we develop a healthy relationship with money and find others who are willing to talk about it. But in the worst case scenario we let the taboo and the stories/beliefs about money take over, and we may believe our money controls us, instead of the other way around.
Money Taboo + Money Stories/Beliefs + Lack of Role Models = Discomfort Talking About Money
Where Do We Go From Here?
Now that we have a better understanding of why talking about money is uncomfortable, let’s dive into what I’ve learned from openly talking about money. And coming soon, how to talk to your partner about money.
I’m interested to hear your thoughts on why talking about money is difficult. What do you think about the concept of money stories/beliefs, and what stories/beliefs do you have about money?
Tell me in the comments below!
Related Blog Posts:
I’ve often thought that rich people don’t talk about money because they are rich. Rich people are rich because they talk about money.
I think you’re on to something! The more we talk about money, the more we learn and develop our financial literacy which can lead to smarter decisions about money and wealth building.