How to Prevent All-or-Nothing Thinking from Sabotaging Your Life

Is all-or-nothing thinking holding you back in life?

I know it was for me.

Whether in your career, relationships, or personal development, this sneaky cognitive distortion may be influencing your actions and behavior more than you realize. Let’s jump in to understand how to prevent all-or-nothing thinking from sabotaging your life!

My All-or-Nothing Thinking Story

As I moved towards the end of 2021, I knew in my soul I needed a break from work. I had been working in Human Resources for 14+ years. I had climbed the leadership ladder in various organizations, and then transitioned into HR consulting, my “dream job.” The last several years had taken their toll on me, both personally and professionally, including the pandemic. Despite trying to push through, I had reached a breaking point.

I saw two stark options. One, keep grinding away as I was supposed to do. Or two, resign from my job. In other words, I could either continue to be miserable despite knowing I needed a break, or I could burn my 14-year career down in flames. Both were painful, extreme options.

The new year came and went. My goal was to hit my three-year anniversary near the end of January 2022. Even with that deadline approaching, neither course of action felt right to me.

I was stuck in purgatory, paralyzed by the fear I felt about the only two options I could see.

Thankfully I was working with a therapist around this time. She asked me a question (as therapists do) that would truly change my trajectory:

“Could you ask for a Leave of Absence instead of resigning?”

What? Could this be possible?! This question literally scrambled my brain.

I rushed to my employee handbook. Low and behold, we had a policy to request a Leave of Absence. Suddenly an option appeared I had never considered, and it felt right. I could listen to my gut and take a break. I didn’t have to burn my career down, or keep pushing through work knowing I was past the breaking point. For the first time I saw other options. It felt amazing.

Getting Unstuck

With the all-or nothing thinking lens removed, I was able to see a path forward. For the first time, I saw many different options. I knew I was on the right track when I submitted my request for a Leave of Absence (for more info on how to request a LOA click here). No matter the outcome, a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

My LOA request was nearly immediately approved. No one asked questions, no one pushed back, simply, “Approved.” Why didn’t I ask for 90 days?!

The domino effect created because of my leave of absence request impacted the remainder of 2022 and beyond.

Taking one seemingly small action led to significant, exciting outcomes.

That one bold move led to many other bold moves. Once I knew I was getting the time off, my husband came up with the idea to venture west in our RV to celebrate our fast approaching 10-year anniversary. Unbelievably, within a few days I was able to create a four-week travel itinerary and book most of the campground reservations. If you camp or travel in an RV, you know this is unheard of since the pandemic. Our four-week trip west would be a pivotal, life changing adventure. Things were falling into place.

All-or-Nothing Thinking and its Consequences

All-or-nothing thinking is a type of cognitive distortion which results in repeated errors in our thought processes. The result is a negative thought pattern which causes us to polarize experiences, choices, and people. Importantly, this negative thought pattern is not based in facts. This cognitive distortion is a binary lens: black or white, good or bad, success or failure, etc. and no in between.

As you might imagine, there are several negative consequences of this thought pattern. One significant consequence of all-or-nothing thinking is lessened willingness to take risks, which is not surprising! When you see only a few polar opposite choices to begin with, the consequences of each option seem that much more extreme and risky.

In my example, quitting my job was too big of a risk because I felt like I was throwing away a successful, 14+ year career. It also felt permanent. Neither of these feelings were based in fact though. Just because I quit my job didn’t mean I would never work in HR again, or never use any of the valuable skills I had acquired.

On the other hand, continuing in a role I didn’t enjoy meant my lack of energy to be “perfect” in every aspect of my role made me a failure. Did my job or clients expect me to be perfect 100% of the time? Of course not. This expectation wasn’t based in fact either.

Another consequence of all-or nothing thinking is extremely unrealistic expectations of ourselves. Do any of these sound familiar to you?

I’m hugely successful at my job or I’m a failure.
If I can’t be perfect in my work I don’t want to do it at all.
If I can’t check everything off my to-do list I’m a failure.
If I can’t do everything other parents do I’m a bad parent.

All-or-nothing caused my extreme, unrealistic expectations to either keep pushing through at work, or permanently give up my career. Additionally, those unrealistic expectations caused me to beat myself up:

Why can’t I just figure this out?! Why can’t I just put on my big-girl pants and grind it out?! Try harder! You’re a failure!

No surprise, my self-confidence and self esteem decreased.

Recognizing All-or-Nothing Thinking

First of all, we’re all human and everyone experiences cognitive distortions. Welcome to being a human. Don’t beat yourself up!

To overcome, recognize where it occurs. Be alert for all-or-nothing thinking:

1. When you use words like “should,” “must,” “always,” “never,” etc.
2. If you hesitate trying something because it’s new to you and you are afraid of failure or not being able to do it perfectly.
3. If you find yourself struggling to see a variety of options or mostly negatives in a situation.
4. When small issues or mistakes derail your day.

Why it Matters

All-or-nothing thinking traps us in negative thought patterns. Instead of looking at the positive side of situations, we only see the negative or the extremes. As a result, we are less likely to take action because of our unrealistic expectations and the perceived riskiness of options.

This matters because we miss out on the variety of options we can’t see, and therefore miss opportunities that could be hugely impactful and even life-changing!

Instead of moving forward, we stay stuck, paralyzed by fear. It’s a painful place to be. I know because I was there for months.

I don’t know about you, but time is incredibly precious to me. I don’t want negative thought patterns, especially those not based in facts, to keep me stuck and wasting my time. I refuse to let all-or-nothing thinking sabotage my one precious life.

I challenge you to examine the areas where all-or-nothing thinking may be sabotaging your life.

Remove the lens, and make sure all-or-nothing thinking doesn’t sabotage your life!